Please read this. It isn’t angry or hurtful, I promise.

Okay, I want to start off by apologizing, I know this is like the fifth “last message” I’ve wrote, but this one is needed. I don’t know if you check my blog anymore, you probably don’t, but I feel like there’s been a lot of negatives and bitterness and I don’t want you to remember that as the last thing I ever say to you. (I’m assuming you don’t want to talk to me anymore, anyway.) I still care, and I just couldn’t allow that on good conscious. 

See, it’s only been 10 days, and I love you, I do, and I’m really sorry I wasn’t right for you. I wish we could have talked it out before we broke up, and I mean truthfully, because I have been, and probably will continue to be confused by the amount of reasons I’ve heard. The first seven months of our relationship were some of the happiest of my life, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I know the last month was toxic, and I’m sorry. I wasn’t even aware. I know I blew my chance, I accept that, I accept that you aren’t coming back, but I’m still sorry. 

I never wanted to change or restrict you and I feel like that is at least part of the reason you dumped me. Maybe it took losing you to realize it, but I really don’t care if you drink/smoke weed as long as it’s responsibly. I still wouldn’t “approve” but I would accept it more openly. Or I’d hate it more to myself? I just hope you know that my views on that were more the amount of pain it’s cause to the ones I love more than it was about controlling you. I guess this is too little too late, but I still needed to say it. 

Also, you should know that I’m dropping the anger I have, and will fight it any time it starts to resurface. I’m still hurt by you dumping me, and even more that you moved on already, but I know that I can’t control that, and I’m not angry over it. You do deserve happiness and I really am glad you seem to be happy. 

This is day 10 of recovery, and I’m beginning to find happiness in the sunshine again. I deleted every picture, every text, every social media site and even your number I had, I tried angry music, blaming you, but all I had to do was let go. We had chemistry, but the timing wasn’t right. Or maybe the chemistry just changed. I’m not okay, don’t get me wrong, but I’m getting there. I really am. 

I wish I could think of more to say right now, I know I’m going to think of something and beat myself up later, but I can’t. I really hope you took the time to read this.

Happy trails, Rebecca Rose. I’ll never forget you. 

(p.s. I’ve seen your new bunny. She/he is really cute. n_n )

I like to pretend I’ve made progress, but who am I kidding? I’m an unconfident, needy, jealous, untrusting, insecure, controlling, passive-aggressive asshole.

I’m not strong enough to beat Aspergers and Depression. No matter how hard I try, my efforts are thwarted.

I don’t want my life to end, but if you think about it, has it even begun?

This is the worst I’ve been in a long time. I need help so badly. Please, let me get better soon, I’m an anchor dragging everyone down and they don’t deserve that.

Becky, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I love you, I’m not leaving you, I’m just really fucked up, but i’m looking for answers. I wouldn’t blame you if you left me.